The Boyfriend Game.

There are times, dear readers, when the Wench, the Boozehound, and other young ladies of similar ilk like to need to play a game. This game is called, “Is he my boyfriend?”

Is he my boyfriend? With that musculature? Maybe.

Is it a drinking game? In a way, yes. Two PBRS should always be on hand; in wine there is truth, etc.

Is it a fun game? In a way, no. It’s enlightening, and sometimes, the truth in the form of a high score is difficult to digest. W/B and OYLOSI*, you see, are loathe to give up singleton status. Some may even reside in the camp that looks at romantic relationships with a wary eye and the attachment of “boyfriend” as a scourge, a chafing at best.

*Other Young Ladies Of Similar Ilk

Girl, we feel you.

But sometimes, in merrily skipping down the path of getting to know a new lover, one gets entangled in certain habitudes and rituals that, when looked at objectively, can be interpreted in no other way than as “dating.”

This, friends, is where this sometimes terrible, often fun, both frivolous and important game comes in.

It’s to be played with the most frank and nonjudgmental of your preferred drinking buddies, and the more there are, the more raucous the game will be. Throw a few marrieds in there for a good mix. (Hopefully your wedded friends are as cool as ours.)

Without further ado, the questions to be asked in no particular order (impose variations on said questions as your situation deems necessary):

IS HE MY BOYFRIEND IF…

1. You watch reality shows together (+42 points)
…in bed (+200)
…all day (+300)
…unironically (+900)

2. He’s been found in your bed for the 27th morning in a row
…(mostly) clothed (+203)
…(mostly) unclothed (-345)

3. He sends you off into the morning sunshine with a chocolate croissant and a kiss (+3392)
…no kiss (-23)
…no croissant (-993)

4. He flies halfway across the country to meet your parents (+ [infinite symbol])

5. You’re late to meet him at the bar. (-2)
…again (-40)
…and he has three of your favorite drinks lined up and waiting for you. (+993)
…and you look like this : D (+10943)

6. Duo road trip has happened. And it was fucking great. (+34)
…another one is in the works. (+923)

7. Getting the approval of his oldest friends
…is strangely satisfying (+292)
…is something that makes you sad because they scoff at PBR (-203)

8. He lets you buy the happy hour beers. So he can take the full-priced round, of course. (+71)

9. He offers to drive so you can pound your over-proofed IPA (+25)

10. You’re starting to be flexible on certain cherished principles regarding public displays of affection (+188423)

11. You can have fun when you’re not having sex.
…simple. (+334)
…surprising. (+334)

12. He goes to get coffee, you make breakfast. (Whaaaat.) (+4492)
…and he tells you it’s fantastic. (+3)
…even though you burned the eggs. (+642)

13. You introduce him as “my friend.” (+/- 0)
…and that instantly feels awkward (+69)

14. He’ll pick you up
…at 4am (+92)
…a block from your house (+992)
…with your bike (+9992)
…to ferry you from the party to your house and back so you can use your own bathroom in lieu of the port-o-potty (Plus or minus nothing! You are actually married if this happens. Shout-out to the badass husbands out there.)

This is a metaphor for a great relationship.

SCORES

254970 or above: Abandon hope, all ye who enter here. Hah! Just kidding. You’re probably really happy about being in a serious relationship with a new boyfriend? No? If no, we recommend you plan your exit strategy, NOW.

39923-254969: Yep, dating.

200-39923: Still dating.

2-199: Your cool factor is still salvageable. As is your fantasy of dying alone.

-438-1: You are distinctly single! Congratulations. DON’T EVER LET GO, JACK.

What did we get? Sigh. Well, without revealing exact numbers (blush) we, ah, we seem to be in relationships. BUT HEY. This sort of thing makes for some excellent stories down the road! (Right?!? Beer me, Boozey.) Stay tuned. Until then, excuse us, we have some chocolate croissants and RuPaul’s Drag Race to enjoy. Tally-ho, boozers.

Boozey and Wench, last Friday night. (Hah! Not really, but also kind of.)